IS IT NOLLYWOOD OR NOTHING WOOD?

For long time now, I have vehemently resisted the urge to comment about our Nigerian Home Video Industry otherwise known as Nollywood simply because, I’ve always felt that whatever frivolous mediocrity our complacent quasi- movie makers are indulging in, is too trivial to elicit any form appraisal from me.


Recently, some organization declared the Nollywood as the 2nd highest exporter of films in the world with Bollywood (India) taking the lead and Hollywood falling in 3rd place and since then, complacency has become the watchword for our indigenous movie makers. These days, they (our movie makers) see absolutely no need to improve on the quality of their productions or inject any form of logic into their story-lines. They seem to chiefly concern themselves with the acquisition and manufacture of professional movie appellations and suffixes to their names, e.g. dgn, agn, nsc (even when we don’t really have cinematographers).


Some weeks ago, I saw some Nigerian movies that were captured in celluloid as far back as the late 60s – 70s by Chief Eddie Ugboma and I marveled at the level of professionalism that was obtainable then. Then I saw ‘Things Fall Apart’ all over. Now the big question is; how did the movie industry deteriorate to this level? Why is the industry not advancing with time?


Right now, the only cogent answer I have is that we (viewers inclusive) are all guilty for the decadence in the film industry. We uncritically embrace any garbage put out by our producers as home videos. There is absolutely no one to criticize their works and thus, they insult our intelligence unapologetically and some of us go as far as saying, “…leave them; they are trying”. So I have decided to play my part by venting out my frustrations with the Nigeria home video industry a.k.a. Nollywood.
Below are some personal observations I have made over the years and I have broken them up into ten parts namely;


1.0 FUNDING
2.0 TITLES
3.0 SCRIPTS (CONCEPTS & CONTENTS)
4.0 SCRIPTS (GRAMMATICAL BLUNDERS)
5.0 PROLIFERATION
6.0 CASTING
7.0 COSTUMING,
8.0 CONTINUITY
9.0 SOUND TRACKS
10.0 CREDITS



1. FUNDING:
Do you know that if we were to merge the entire film companies we have in Nigeria, they not even amount to anything close to what an ordinary film studio is worth in the west (UK, US, Canada etc.)? Yet as I type this article some Alaba trader somewhere is busy plotting how one of his relatives from the village would come over any run a video company he has just floated.

What investor in his right frame of mind would foolishly invest his finances in the hands of a village idiot?

What multi-national corporate body would show interest in such a mediocre system?
What international NGO would continue funding topical films attuned to their cause in the hands of unserious movie makers?


Whether our movie makers like it or not, they would really need to amalgamate all their tiny companies to form a real film company and possibly a motion picture conglomerate if they seriously want to extricate themselves from the clutches of the blood thirsty Alaba traders.

A classic example of what I’m suggesting could be found in the structure of Universal Pictures. Universal Pictures is owned by NBC Universal Studios, whose parent company happens to be General Electric – and yet, Universal Pictures in its own right is very huge a company with other film companies under it.



2. TITLES:
Up until a few years ago, the pattern of naming movies in Nigeria were usually oxymoronic or paradoxical (sweet revenge, the evil genius, Nneka the pretty serpent, Blind Trust, The end of money etc.). Then there were the funny ones (Millionaires club, Billionaires Club, Games that women play, Games that men play)



3. SCRIPTS (CONCEPTS & CONTENTS):
The constant disregard for logic and wanton insult of viewers’ intelligence is what our script writers’ prime objective seems to be predicated on. Not only are the story lines ridiculous but, also they lack the quality that should appeal to a slow-minded 6 years old who watches ‘Barney & Friends’. Enumerating them would actually amount to me condescending to their level of intelligence. Did most of these script writers attend primary school at all? There is usually no form of creativity whatsoever and that is why they would readily act films about occultism, witchcraft, contemporary royalty, romance and morons who drive about in Lagos in a convoy of 15 rented cars for popularly known auto shops in Lagos.


Now, the real problem isn’t the genres I mentioned above but, the way these script writers steal scripts from one another and produce films like we (the viewers) are imbeciles and expect us not to know the script must have been stolen from the film we just saw 3 days ago.


Why is it that all their scripts that a set against the background of villages royalty always has to do with a prince or princes going against his/ her family because of his/ her common-born object of affection?


No matter the situation in Nigeria, the story lines in our scripts should ultimately portray Nigerians and Nigeria positively. About a decade ago, a Nigerian actor (who played Suara) was almost lynched by an angry mob of market women who had seen his character maltreat Bukky Wright in one of the earlier super story series (oh father, oh daughter).


Another friend of mine was in Kenya for a business trip and he noticed the way people became hostile and disrespectful to him whenever he declared his nationality and when he enquired from his Kenyan driver what the problem was; he (the driver) told him that everybody thinks he either an occult ritual practitioner or a fraudster. When the driver noticed that my friend was becoming exasperated, he pleaded with him to calm down and explained to him that Kenyans see a lot of Nigerian home videos and believe everything they see in them.


One time in a Nigerian movie set in Lagos, an in ill-informed producer decided to use the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) to arrest a gang of criminals and there was no one to tell him that the Nigerian equivalence for the FBI is the State Security Service (SSS)—what a shame.


I believe you must the American movie franchise popularly known as ‘Rambo’ and are familiar with the character, John Rambo and the violent, action scenes. Well, the movie wasn’t meant to just satisfy your quest for visual entertainment but, also to sensitize the American public to plight of U.S. soldiers who on their return home from the Vietnam war were rejected, called names and even spat on at the airport by an enraged crowd of protesters who thought that their soldiers shouldn’t have killed innocent, harmless and defenceless Vietnamese women and babies all in the name of frustration.


Anytime you see an American military film then you know that it must have produced to showcase their latest military hard wares, training & uniforms—this is just media propaganda to serve as deterrent to any nursing the idea of challenging them.
The British government put in a lot of resources to help the EON movie company to show the world that they are still relevant.



4. SCRIPTS (GRAMMATICAL BLUNDERS):
A lot of English learners and students learn English from broadcasters and actors and so, it is very imperative that the right sentences or phrases come out their mouths.


It is no longer uncommon to hear phrases like, “put yourself together”, “…it is my uncle at Ibadan”, “…the meat would not stuck in my throat”, “…he use to beat me every time”—this is supposed to mean that the object (he) still beats the subject (me); “…I borrowed your father N20, 000 and you don’t want to pay me back”. "The rice hasn't done yet"


Now, I am not saying everyone should become a grammar expert (though it would not be a bad idea) but, where a script writer or producer is grammatically challenged, the services of a competent proof reader should be considered. Did you know that words that are popularly known in Nigeria as ‘cultism’ and 'cultist' are appropriately meant to be ‘occultism’ and ‘occultist’ respectively? Nobody is perfect. I’m sure if you read carefully, you may find some errors I might have made in the course of writing this article and if you know me personally, you would find that my spoken English may not be as necessarily polished as my written English.


5. PROLIFERATION:
Why on earth do our film makers extend movies that are ordinarily suitable for 20 minutes of quality viewing to a 3-part movie? It is very annoying when producers use party scenes to fill in blank spaces. I have, in many occasions seen where party musicians are asked to perform and end up spending almost 35 minutes singing their entire album while the likes of Kanayo O. Kanayo, Clem Ohameze, Pete Edochie et all., indulge in spraying them with naira notes and dollar bills (without any forms of lines) and the producers end up make part 1, 2, 3 & 4 of the same ridiculous movies. Sometimes, the camera men end up following rich and villainous characters in their convoys from one destination to the other and all they usually capture within this wasteful 30 minutes film journey are headlights, tyre rims, brand crests and most importantly, the sticker of the auto company from where they borrowed the cars.


6. CASTING:
Casting should be one of the most important elements of making a movie. The problems associated with casting are not peculiar to our home video industry alone but, it is a factor that should be looked into regardless. An actor should be able to efficiently take on any character assigned to him.


Why do they always use the same actors who are obviously in their fifties to play flash backs of their characters in secondary school?


I see no reason why Kanayo O. Kanayo should perpetually play the role of a rich occultist who ends up saying, “I have a confession to make” as one of his last lines before the movie ends.


It is not also mandatory that Pete Edochie must play roles of authority figures.
Why it that any character Clem Ohameze plays, there is must be an 'evil' undertone to it?


Must Patience Ozokwor always play the loquacious, choleric mother-in-law or senior wife?


Are we not tired of seeing Emeka Ani and Emmanuel France as with-doctors or occult leaders?


Did you know that 90% of Emeka Ike's roles are usually carries the depiction of a young man who foolishly falls in love with a lady who ends dumping him after he must have suffered and put in his all. Often, the family or friends of his objects of affection don't approve of his relationship with the girls.


So if there won't be any crying then, Stella Damascus, Eucheria Anunobi, Bimbo Akintola etc. may not even get the part?


I'm particularly glad that Saint Obi has spared us the national embarrassment of portraying himself as the 'Nigerian James Bond/ Jason Bourne' faded off the industry.


Why is it that Yoruba actors who distinguish themselves in Yoruba speaking films end up behaving like fish out of water when asked to act in English speaking films?
Is Jim Iyke the only Nigerian who can play characters with temperaments of an embittered Rottweiler?



7. COSTUMING:
[ANTAGONISTS] Now, where do I start from? Till today, I still don't understand why the rich antagonists, villains or occultists readily wear 'cut and nail' suits and crown it all by wearing hats that are sillier that President Goodluck Jonathan's and call themselves 'the Don'? Since when did we really have these 'Dons' patrolling the streets of Lagos in 15 convoy vehicles; without any police escort, consuming a two-lane road and the Nigeria Police Force doesn't even bother them? Where in this country have you ever seen bad guys dressed in mackintoshes, winter coats or sometimes rain coats and pack up themselves in cars (sometimes in sixes) and swagger about the place in broad day light?


[CORPORATE] A lot of our revered actors do this all the time but, it is unsightly ungentle manly and internationally unacceptable for a man to knot his neck-tie halfway. If you think I'm blabbing then, start looking at the dress codes of commercial bankers or simply just put on your television sets and see if you can count up to 2 westerners (actors, politicians, academics or even passers-by). The internationally accepted standard is; when doing your neck-tie, you must ensure that the tip of your tie touches or exceeds your belt or waist line (as the case may be). It is neither a fashion statement nor will it ever be a Nigerian standard for men to knot their tie half-way-- only women and clowns do.


I am yet to see any bank in Nigeria where bank executives wear yellow/ white/ red/ orange suits. I have also never seen where they wear red shoes, belts with 'bling-bling' buckles, fancy hip-hop styles spectacle frames and carry afro. So why do the likes of Jim Iyke get away with on films?


[PARA-MILITARY & ARMED FORCES] Okay, let me tell you a very embarrassing tale from one of my former military school class-mate who is currently a Captain in the Nigerian Army. Henceforth, he shall be referred to as Captain X. My friend, Capt. X was part of an U. N. peace keeping contingent to Darfur, Sudan. He said that from the day he and other Nigerian soldiers arrived, they had been admired by officers and soldiers from other U. N. countries (like Canada, Pakistan, Germany etc.) for smartness, turn-out and general comportment but, all that vanished the day everyone got to see a Nigerian home video where Hank Anuku portrayed a Lieutenant in the Nigerian army. Apart from the fact that Hank Anuku's dressing was improper for even the standard of a recruit (wearing timberland branded boots, wearing his power bike gloves the whole time and extending his camouflage sleeves when others folded up theirs); he was looking scruffy, he kept his beards (every blind man in Nigeria knows that the uniformed society [military, customs, NPF, immigration, FRSC etc.] don't keep beards expect in special instances for Naval officers); he also rode his power bike around in full military uniform and during working hours freely. The Canadian officer sitting beside him during the film couldn't hold back his curiosity and he innocently asked Capt. X, “Is this how you guys really dress up back in your country when you are not on international missions?” and my friend responded to him saying, “Oh, this is just a silly movie that has no contribution whatsoever from the Nigerian Army” and the Canadian replied saying, “Oh, I see” (like he was satisfied with the answer he got from Capt. X). But, 3 days later he came back to Capt. X saying, “is the movie industry not meant to promote and show its national institutions in good light to the world” and my friend simply said to him, “I am as shocked as you are”.


The truth about this particular situation is that no one can be blamed. The Canadian officer's erroneous inference was valid, the movie producers did not have any form of support from the Nigeria Army and the Nigeria Army's public relations directorate probably did not get any request of assistance from the movie producers. The simple solution to this problem is this;

i. The producers should always go to these government institutions for assistance and guidance and if they don't get any help from them then,


ii. they must do a thorough private research as per the customs and traditions of such organizations but, if they can't do that then,


iii. they should stop embarrassing us and leave the project altogether.



8. CONTINUITY:
I once saw a movie where the main actress was lying down in her room wearing weave-on then all of a sudden the bell rings and she goes down stairs to open the door only that this time, she could be seen opening the door with a very long braided hairstyle.-- how could this have happened?


Occasionally we see movies set in the 70s then all of a sudden, a rich man arrives the scene in his 2002 model Hummer SUV. Or don't you see DVD players against the background of a movie set in the 80s.


I have even seen an actor conspicuously wearing a 'Sean Jean' branded shirt while attending the university in the 70s.


Please don't act like you have never seen a boom microphone on top of the screen while the movie is playing. Sometimes at the end of part 1 you see an actor wearing a blue tie then, at the beginning of part2 the same guy in the same scene is seen wearing a red tie.



9. SOUNDTRACKS:
I sometimes wonder if our producers assume we (the intended viewers) are collectively demented. If not then, what is the point of paying attention through a movie when I know that the inane background musician would sing the entire storyline in just 2 minutes?


Why can’t Nigerian musicians and movie producers collaborate to make wonderful movie sound tracks? It should be a perfect symbiotic relationship—the musician promotes the movie in his lyrics (not necessarily by telling the whole story) while the movie promotes the musician during credits or emotional scenes.



10. CREDITS:
As a Christian, I really don’t think it’s appropriate for our Lord Jesus Christ to be named Executive producer of any stupid movie.—I wonder what kind of drug the producer must be on.


It is not only redundant but, appalling for producer to invariably declare, “TO GOD BE THE GLORY” at the end of any frivolous production. This is even done when the movie has no evangelical or moral value whatsoever.


Since when did it become a standard for producers to leave their parenthesized nick-names?
It really isn’t nice for any crew member to leave his mobile phone numbers or e-mail addresses running during credits.


We really do not care who sponsors the movie—you must not leave the names of sponsors, static for good 15 seconds.


The whole concept behind credits scrolling fast across the screen is, so that whoever it interests to know the actors and crews should get a copy of the movie and play it in slow motion to extract the desired details.





So in conclusion, I think we have world-class actors and directors in Nigeria however that technical crew should quit being complacent and wake and smell the coffee. We cannot continue infantilizing them by saying, “…leave them; they are trying”.—this is the kind of statement that has made them self-satisfied and technically stagnant for the last 15 years. We must start criticizing them and voice out whenever they err. This is the only way we can keep them on their toes. This is the only way we can have a film industry we would all be proud to call our own. Despite the fact that Americans product super-quality movies, they still need the support of movie critics to scale through at the box office.



By,
Ronald Ekene Monye
© 2010 Ronmonye Studios, All Rights Reserved.